Holy Thursday and What it was ounce.

   

     The road to Easter for me and my family starts on Holy Thursday. Holy Thursday represents the last supper the night Judas betrays him.   On Holy Thursday I would set out with my mother to the 8pm mass. Even though mass started at 8 we would have to get there at 7:30. Why you ask, because it would get so crowded there would not be anywhere to sit. Now a days I could get there 7:55 and there will be more than enough room, sad but true. At church we would meet my aunt (My father’s sister), my Godmother and her daughter Maria. We all sat together on the side of Saint Joseph.  Years ago, we had a monsignor, who was fantastic. He started as a priest when I was in elementary and confirmed me when I turned 13, a long, long, time ago. Years ago, you did your first confession before conformation. I went to him for my first confession and he told me to sit by the 5^th station of the cross and say the Hail Mary.

The 5^th station is an important one, it is when Simon helps Jesus carry his cross. It is the station of kindness, someone giving another a helping hand when they need it the most. Somethings just stick out in your mind, from that point I always felt like the number 5 was my lucky number. Any way our monsignor was fantastic, on Holy Thursday he would always give the mass.  During the mass at one point the chorus would start singing “Do you know what I have done for you” and you knew it was time for the Monsignor to get on his knees, and like Jesus did that holy night, he too would wash the feet of 12 parishioners.  The chorus would continue to sing “you who call me your teacher and your lord, If I have washed your feet so you must do as I have done for your" Watching him wash the feet of 12 parishioners brought tears to my eyes because it shows humility. No matter who you are, you are not better than the person next to you that you can't wash their feet or hold their cross. After the washing of the feet, the choir would start singing Pange Lingue while the priests started striping the alter and leaving it bare. 

I remember the first time I heard the song Pange Lingue song in Latin, it was so moving, and my mother new the song by heart. It blew my mind that she knew Latin. I remember being so in awe of her.  Back to the ceremony, the Monsignor would rap himself holding the Chalis with the body of Christ inside.  With incense filling up the church, the altar boys would start the procession, behind them wee  all the priests, decans and last in line was the  Monsignor all the way in the back.  Every fifth pew he would drop to his knees holding Crist in his hands. It brought so much emotion.  You actually felt like Jesus was walking to his death. The procession would flow out of the church and we would follow to the catholic school next door. The school would be dark, filled with candles, the choir would still be singing  pange lingue and we all would silently sit. The body of Christ carried by the Monsignor would enter and placed on a temporary altar until good Friday.  The night is so emotionally moving you can't help but feel something spiritual. 2020 has changed our traditions and Holy Thursday is just not the same. Hopefully someday we will go back to our traditions and maybe the sheep will come back to the flock. 

What Storm will it be?

When there are dark clouds in sight

I sit still and hold on tight 

Deep down inside I know there is going to be a storm

So I just wait and wait 

    What kind of storm will it be? Will it be full of wind, the kind that blows so hard It sounds like its crying? Or will it be the kind of wind that howls so loud you can feel in your bones?  One night in March of 2010 the wind was so powerful that it blew out transformers, took out electrical lines and blew down trees  like dominos.  It was one of those storms you buckled up and waited it out. I was siting in my living room with my family watching tv all snuggled in on our couch when the phone rang. It was my mother screaming that a tree had fallen on the house and wanted my husband to go there. I was confused "what do you mean a tree fell on the house" I asked.  She said please a tree fell and she was in a panic. I turned to my husband and asked him to set out on a dark and stormy night to investigate the situation.  

    My mother lived with her sister across town. She moved in two years prior and we moved into my childhood home. My aunt had a one bedroom in the back of the her house which she rented to a nice couple.  The couple were semi retired and were looking to move out of state, they needed something temporary until they were both retired. They had bought a house in Pennsylvania and would go there on the weekends.  The night of March 13 2010 they had decided to go and visit their house. The man had told my Aunt they hadn’t plan to go but at the last minute got in the car and left before the storm. Something told him to leave.  Lucky for them they did. That night the wind blew a tree down onto my Aunt’s house and destroyed the back room.  Thank God they weren’t there , they would have been crushed. The man after words told my aunt that my grandmother had saved his life even though he never knew her. Something beyond us gave them the intuition to leave my Aunts house that night which  saved them. The wind may have destroyed a house, but faith was restored with the gift of life. 

The clouds are getting thicker and thicker

The flakes are getting bigger and bigger

So we just wait and wait

    Sometimes a storm comes in and the world around you becomes silent. Everyone shops for food the day before and prepares themselves for hibernation until the storm passes. The TV gets everyone in a panic, have to go buy food, batteries, flashlights anything but the kitchen sink. I of course fall into the trap, run around the stores looking for milk, eggs, flour and snacks. You can't face a storm without snacks in the house. My mother would always say as long as you have eggs and flour you'll make it through the storm.  She would forget that not everyone is a baker. She would make bread on a whim, and it would be amazing. While the kids would go out and play in the snow and my husband would try and dig us out, I would stay in the house and try to whip up something to eat.  My favorite soup is beef. Everyone loves chicken soup, I hate the cooking chicken. Yes I probably am the only one in America that would rather cook beef soup than chicken.  I just don't like cooking chicken, so afraid of under cooking it I end up burning it. Nothing like beef soup on a blizzard day. Love the smell of soup that fills a cold house. It makes the cold go away and brings warmth to the house. Blizzards are a great way to stop and enjoy family time.  I often look out the window to see the beautiful white snow cover our back yard. One year I noticed the fig tree all covered with snow. My father had planted the tree when we first moved into the house.  It has survived storm after storm.  My husband used to cover the tree but as time went on he just stopped.  The fig tree gets blown down, frozen at times but in the spring it comes to life. One year we thought it was dead so my husband cut it down to the trunk and the next year it came back.  The tree has survived year after year.  I often think my Dad keeps it alive, so that when we pick the figs and eat them, he will always be remembered.  

Storms, you never know what damage they will bring

You just hold on tight and hope that your loved ones are safe.

You hold on and hope that everything that gets lost will be found.

You hold on and just wait it out. 

God, can I get a do over?

 

    

The holidays were over, but the aftermath was just beginning.  There is always a pile of gifts to return and never at the same stores. 

Yes, some of us still go to physical stores and shop. I like walking into a store and figuring out where should I go first. Should I look at jewelry, something for the house or clothing. I will just walk around for hours, and maybe I'll pick up a candle, smell it and just put it back down. You can't do that online, you can't smell the fragrance of perfume, soap or candles.  I will pick up a sweater and feel the fabric and decide if I like how, it feels not just how it looks. Online you can't feel the cotton on your skin, you can't see the actual shade of the black dress, you're just buying a picture.  I also like chit chatting with the salespeople or complaining to the other buyers online about various topics. On the internet check out there is nothing but a button that says purchase. No one to talk to except yourself. So, as you can guess I prefer to shop in person you never know what you will find and who you will run into. 

 It was a Wednesday morning, and I had my day planned.  I was heading towards the bank, then the dollar store, then TJ max, then the loft and then make my wat to e food store.  I had my daughter's birthday that I wanted to plan for while I ran around returning gifts.  Before I headed out to the stores I needed gas in the car.  I decided to go to the gas station on the way to the bank. 

 When I pulled into the gas station, I pulled into the wrong side of the pump. I always forget which side my gas tank is on. I was contemplating if I should pull through and go to the other gas pump on the opposite side.  Before I can do anything, a car pulled head-to-head with me so I couldn’t pull away.  I was so mad, If I was a cartoon, you would see smoke coming out of my head.  I yelled at the women thanks a lot now how am I going to get out. She just looked at me like to bad. I put my car in reverse and went on the other side to put gas in my tank.  She got out of her car, and I went crazy on her. I said "you are so rude, you blocked me in, how am I supposed to get out.  I can’t believe how arrogant you are. You saw me sitting in my car. Why didn't you pull in back of me? " I completely lost my mind over nothing.  After she put gas in her car, she pulled out sand stopped to apologize but I still couldn’t except it. I said yeh yeh have a good holiday.  I was fuming over what I don't know. I got into my car and went to the bank, tried to shake the bad feeling off but couldn't. As I was driving to the dollar store, I said God I wish I could start this day over, I wish I hadn't act like that towards that woman. I started crying because I couldn’t believe the way I treated that women. What kind of person am I? I proceeded to the dollar store, and the people behind me on the line were so nice. We had such a great conversation they made me laugh, but I still could not shake the awful feeling.  My next stop was TJ Max. I was going to go to TJ Max to return slippers, but I realized I didn’t have them with me, so I had to go home. 

I went home got the slippers and drove back to TJ Max.  The line at the store was extremely long so I walked around hoping the line would get shorter.  I browsed through the beauty section, the shoes department, the jewelry and back to the cloths. About half an hour later, out of the corner of my eye I saw the women I had fought with at the gas station. I can't describe the feeling that came over me.  It was almost like a spotlight had come over my body and I started to cry, I went up to her and tapped her on her shoulder.  She recognized me and I could tell she was taken back.  I said " I am so sorry for the way I acted.  Please accept my apology".  She said I'm sorry to, but I kept saying you have nothing to apologize for it was my fault. Please accept my apology, she said thank you.  We then said goodbye and I went online to return my slippers. I cried all morning because what are the odds of me running into the same women twice in one day.  I originally was going to go to TJ Max after the dollar store but went home instead. I could have gotten on the long line and waited but I didn't. I asked God for a do over and he put me at the right place at the right time so I can have one. 

Different day

 It's a different sky, a different moon.

another day is coming soon.

It's a different sun, a different ocean.

another day full of great emotion.

It's a different life, a different time.

another mountain we have to climb. 

It's a different song a different dance, 

another life full of romance. 

It's a different time, a different world.

another dream has come true. 

His Sacrifice gave us Hope

 

Everyone on their knees

Wondering what will be.

Hands are folded, prayers are spoken,

and ears are wide open.

They stand in front of a cross made of wood.

Crucified, is a man full of good.

A man whose physical body has been broken.

But his soul has been woken.

Their hearts are full of Sorrow of a life that has been sacrificed.

For all of us to enter paradise

His Sacrifice has given the world hope.

A Sacrifice that a mother must have faith to cope.

A mother’s heart full of sorrow

She never knew what was to follow.

People worshiping her son with love and affection.

Angels standing next to him with adoration

We worship him, we are thankful for giving us life ever after. Amen  

Sometimes you just need a smile

 

June 4, 1988

Crying about the same old thing

No one to hear it but the voice with in

Your  heart is bleeding

With No one to heal it

You  just need a smile

Just a little smile

 

The sky is endless grey

The sun won’t peak for one day

Not a patch of blue in sight

Waiting on the moonlight

 

                                    

   All the seeds are dry and wilted

   Just a little water to be lifted

    A new life has to begin

    If they die it would be a sin

 

                                                          Lay down on the ground

                                                          Pray for the sun to come around

                                                          All you need is a smile

                                                         To shine on you for a while

 

Sometimes you just need a smile

Just a little smile

Mother Mary

 

Holding your baby in your arms,

Trying to protect him from evil harm.

Not knowing that one day he would be sacrificed

And become our Christ

Mary your love is if felt all over the world

How lucky are we that your love was strong enough,

That you watched your child die and suffer for all of us.

Thank you for your sacrifice

 Thank you Mother Mary.

My Mother can not just be a Footnote

  

A footnote.

  A footnote is a note of reference, explanation, or comment usually placed below the text on a printed page.  Ever think of a footnote, do you ever go to the footnotes to see where the quotes in the book came from or what book facts were taken from to make a point in literature? Today I have been thinking a lot about footnotes and what they mean to me.  In a pandemic who will be in the footnotes?  Who will be supplying the footnotes to the Authors of the future?  In a world full of pain, death, and sorrow who will be the main story and who will just be a footnote? 

 Will the Covid deaths be the only deaths that matter in 2020? Who decides which deaths mattered more than others? There has been so much sadness an enormous amount of loss.  Everyone has been affected from Covid 2020 either by getting Covid, losing employment or losings a loved one. 

My mother died on May 24^th in the hospital of heart failure.  Covid was not the cause of death, but it caused her to die indirectly.  Her death will not go down in history as a Covid fatality, but she died during the pandemic and  a should be counted but there will only be a footnote  "other deaths occurred during the pandemic" 1. 

My mother ended up in the hospital On March 17^th 2020 the day after all hospitals went on lock down. The doctors didn’t even know the Governors orders,  but they had an inkling that something was coming down the pipe. She was supposed to have cardiovascular surgery and the original doctor told me on Monday that he would have to do it in the office because he would not be able to do the surgery in Mercy where he had privileges. I was not comfortable for my mom to have this procedure in a doctor’s office so I took her to her cardiologist in Manhasset.  Her doctor referred us to a surgeon that was affiliated with Saint Frances.  The cardiologist said we couldn't wait, we had to go see the surgeon that that day.  There was an iery feeling in the air, something just didn't seem right.  Got to the surgeon office, after examining her , he told me she had to be admitted immediately into the hospital .  Me and my aunt then  took her to the emergency room at Saint Frances and the start of her  life journey would soon come to an end. I was not allowed to go with her in the emergency room, I was told to leave and they would call me.  I couldn’t even explain to my mother, who didn’t understand English what was happening.  The hospital parking lot was empty, no one in the emergency room, you just can feel that things were not right. The only way for me to communicate with her was by face time 

 

 

 

The nurses were wonderful and really went out of their way to have my mom feel comfortable. She was released a week later. I was not allowed to go up to the floor to get her, they brought her down to the parking garage.  In the parking garage the nurse went over the care for her and had me sign the release papers.  Nothing was the same.

Catholic Services were set up to come and take care of my Mother to make sure she was recovering from her toe amputation. The nurses and the therapists were great.  They never canceled appointments took caution for the Covid and showed up.  I got to talk the most of them and they wee dealing with patients coming home with Covid, they were scared but did their job.  

The doctors were not seeing patients, only video appointments. Everything was pretty much stopped. Life as it was had changed, School (the actual building) was closed, students were on line since March 13^th.  We never knew when it would go back to in person, now we know we never did until 2021, a year later.  The one positive note, because of the lock down I worked from home.  I got to see my family all day every day. At night we would go for walks life was nice and peaceful.  My Mom was recovering at least that’s what we thought.  I ended up going to her house everyday from 8:30 to around 4 4:30 from April 10^th to when she became sick again. I am so happy I had that time with her.  I would bring my lab top and work while we talked.  I made her do her exercise and loved the way she looked at me when she thought I was nuts.  She had a way of staring at me that made me laugh. 

 

During my many conversations with my Mother she had me go upstairs to find the deed to her plot at Holly Road Cemetery. I said why do you need that she said I want you to know where it is. So, I got it for her. I guess that was her way of letting me know what was to come. I said Ma, you can’t die, if you do you can’t have a funeral. She shrugged her shoulders and said "Che mene frega" translation I don’t give a crap. 

A week before Mother’s Day while one of the nurses was visiting, she noticed that her other toe was not looking good.  She tried to call the doctor but he could not see her yet, they were still not seeing patients in person on May 6 2020. My mother was not doing well, so I decided to sleep over the Saturday before Mother’s Day and on Mother’s Day night.    I felt so good staying with her, I wished I was young again, got in bed with her and just held her hand. 

May 11^th my mother ended up in the hospital again, I couldn’t go in the ambulance with her, and I had a bad feeling I wasn’t going to see her again.  I kept telling her I won’t be able to see you, I don’t know if she understood.  This time around the hospital experience was not a good one.  The Covid was hard to deal with and the doctors and nurses were definitely over their heads and probably over worked and burned out.

People often say it was out of your control, you have to follow the rules.  I followed the rules but I still can’t understand how I was not allowed to stay with her in the hospital especially since she could not speak English.  Her cardiologist called me every day, and would tell me to call the hospital and harass them to let me in.  Even the doctors could not understand why the patients were not allowed to have a voice.  I was my mothers voice, and I was silenced. I called every day, every four hours until they let me see her for 10 minutes.  It was up to the nurses if I could go in, some nurses were understanding some ruled by the Governors orders.   I was grateful to see her for as much time they allowed me.

My mother was born in Italy and came to the Unites States early 30"s. She believed in respect, never missed a funeral always had to pay her respect.  Even though she went to the wake of the person who passed, she would follow that up with a visit to the family.  That was her way until a few years back when she had no one to take her.  I used to say to her don't think everyone is going to come to your wake, she would say I don't care who comes I have to do what I have to do, they came to your fathers and I have to go to theirs. When she died, we were not able to have a wake for her friends and family to come and pay their respect. We were only able to have 10 at the viewing for an hour and then we went   directly to the cemetery for a blessing , before she was put to her eternal house.   I guess we were  lucky most people weren’t even able to have more than 2 people and no viewing.

I remember siting in my back yard, where we often sat together and a red robin flew into my pink Rose tree.  The Rose tree has been there since she lived in the house, her and my father planted it.  The Red Robin was visiting his wife, they had built a nest and all day they would fly back and fourth.  I watched the male bird bring food for the baby and wife.  Deep in my heart I knew it was a sign,  letting me know that my Mother and Father were together again. 

  

 

 1. other deaths occurred during the pandemic- Rosina Mantovani  May 24, 2020

My wish for Mother's day

When asked what would I like for mother’s day.

My wish would be to hold you both in my arms for the first time.

To rock you both back and forth singing over the rainbow so you would fall asleep.

I would love to re live that moment when you looked at me from your crib and giggled.

To smell your hair right after a bath.

To hold your little hands while you took your first steps.

What I wouldn’t give for you just to run to me from your first day of nursery smiling and laughing.

To be able to dress you, brush your hair and take you with me where ever I go.

My wish would be to do it all over again and again.

I hope that one day I will see you celebrate mother’s day and feel the unconditional love that I feel for you.

All I want for mother’s day is what got me here in the first place to spend my day with you.

Happy Mothers Day Mom

I was 5 and my brother was 8 years old when we left Calabria and came to New York.  My Mom was 34 and my

Dad was 35. We lived in a small town in Calabria named Mongrassano. 

                    My Mother and Father were both born in the same town and knew each other their whole life.  In 1970

The economics in Italy were not good.  No one was paying my Dad and we had no money.  I remember my Mom

telling me they had to borrow money to pay for our Airline tickets to New York.  My Mom’s family was already in

New York, they had left Calabria in the early 60’s.  I can’t imagine what it was like for my parents to leave their

home, family, town, and their friends with two little children.  They only spoke Italian no English.  America was not

like it is today.  If you didn’t speak English it was up to you to get someone who can to translate for you. 

I wish I had the strength, focus and energy My Mother had when we were growing up. 

5am my mother would wake up make lunch for herself and my father and of course make coffee

6 am she would wake me and my brother up give us breakfast

6:30 am she would be on out the door and walking to her factory job where she sewed.

4 pm she walked back in the house clean up from the morning and get dinner started

6pm we would be finished with dinner she would then clean the dishes by hand sweep and wash the floor

7pm we would all watch wheel of fortune

                    I on the other hand

 6:30 am make coffee watch TV

7 am wake up the girls make them breakfast go back to watching TV

7:30 am run around make my kids lunch, scream and yell for everyone to get ready

8:00 run out of the house with my PJ to drive the kids to school (thank god for drop off)

8:05 procrastinate until 8:30 then

8:30 run around try to get ready for work

9:15 late again for work and I am only 2 minutes away

5 pm get home watch more TV until I figure out what I am going to cook

7 pm finish cooking ready to eat

8pm finish cleaning up

8:30  kids are in bed

9 pm I am in bed and surfing the net while I am listening to the TV in bed while my husband is sleeping

I admire My Mom I wish I can do half of what she did for me.  

She never complained, I never saw her sick if she was  we never knew.  Now as I am older and have two daughters I

can finally understand her. I have respect for who she is and what she did for our family.  Thanks to my mother I

was able to go back to work while she took care of my girls.

 I can never repay her for all she has done for me. 

Once in a while she will say you go crazy do so much with your kids I never did anything for you, and I say to her

What you did for me was enough I was happy.  I have no regrets all children want is their parents and I had them.   I

wrote this poem in 1982 for my Mom and 34 years later I am finally going to give it to her so here it is translated in

English. Happy Mother’s day to all.

 For the most Caring Mama,

Mama is a small name for you

The work that you do is much greater than you know

It's hard to always have the house clean and to go to work

With time my brother and I will be grown

When we were small we always called out your name

If we were sick we always shouted your name

And you always ran to us

I love you not only today but forever

Because you gave me life, helped me to see, to speak, and live

I know that we are not them same

It is difficult to get along all the time

I am from one generation and you are from another

And I know that at certain times I'm a Witch

Please forgive me

The word that is important is love

Mama I love you when I am at home

I Love you when I am at work

I love you where ever I am in the world

You have my heart forever.