Holy Thursday and What it was ounce.

   

     The road to Easter for me and my family starts on Holy Thursday. Holy Thursday represents the last supper the night Judas betrays him.   On Holy Thursday I would set out with my mother to the 8pm mass. Even though mass started at 8 we would have to get there at 7:30. Why you ask, because it would get so crowded there would not be anywhere to sit. Now a days I could get there 7:55 and there will be more than enough room, sad but true. At church we would meet my aunt (My father’s sister), my Godmother and her daughter Maria. We all sat together on the side of Saint Joseph.  Years ago, we had a monsignor, who was fantastic. He started as a priest when I was in elementary and confirmed me when I turned 13, a long, long, time ago. Years ago, you did your first confession before conformation. I went to him for my first confession and he told me to sit by the 5^th station of the cross and say the Hail Mary.

The 5^th station is an important one, it is when Simon helps Jesus carry his cross. It is the station of kindness, someone giving another a helping hand when they need it the most. Somethings just stick out in your mind, from that point I always felt like the number 5 was my lucky number. Any way our monsignor was fantastic, on Holy Thursday he would always give the mass.  During the mass at one point the chorus would start singing “Do you know what I have done for you” and you knew it was time for the Monsignor to get on his knees, and like Jesus did that holy night, he too would wash the feet of 12 parishioners.  The chorus would continue to sing “you who call me your teacher and your lord, If I have washed your feet so you must do as I have done for your" Watching him wash the feet of 12 parishioners brought tears to my eyes because it shows humility. No matter who you are, you are not better than the person next to you that you can't wash their feet or hold their cross. After the washing of the feet, the choir would start singing Pange Lingue while the priests started striping the alter and leaving it bare. 

I remember the first time I heard the song Pange Lingue song in Latin, it was so moving, and my mother new the song by heart. It blew my mind that she knew Latin. I remember being so in awe of her.  Back to the ceremony, the Monsignor would rap himself holding the Chalis with the body of Christ inside.  With incense filling up the church, the altar boys would start the procession, behind them wee  all the priests, decans and last in line was the  Monsignor all the way in the back.  Every fifth pew he would drop to his knees holding Crist in his hands. It brought so much emotion.  You actually felt like Jesus was walking to his death. The procession would flow out of the church and we would follow to the catholic school next door. The school would be dark, filled with candles, the choir would still be singing  pange lingue and we all would silently sit. The body of Christ carried by the Monsignor would enter and placed on a temporary altar until good Friday.  The night is so emotionally moving you can't help but feel something spiritual. 2020 has changed our traditions and Holy Thursday is just not the same. Hopefully someday we will go back to our traditions and maybe the sheep will come back to the flock. 

What Storm will it be?

When there are dark clouds in sight

I sit still and hold on tight 

Deep down inside I know there is going to be a storm

So I just wait and wait 

    What kind of storm will it be? Will it be full of wind, the kind that blows so hard It sounds like its crying? Or will it be the kind of wind that howls so loud you can feel in your bones?  One night in March of 2010 the wind was so powerful that it blew out transformers, took out electrical lines and blew down trees  like dominos.  It was one of those storms you buckled up and waited it out. I was siting in my living room with my family watching tv all snuggled in on our couch when the phone rang. It was my mother screaming that a tree had fallen on the house and wanted my husband to go there. I was confused "what do you mean a tree fell on the house" I asked.  She said please a tree fell and she was in a panic. I turned to my husband and asked him to set out on a dark and stormy night to investigate the situation.  

    My mother lived with her sister across town. She moved in two years prior and we moved into my childhood home. My aunt had a one bedroom in the back of the her house which she rented to a nice couple.  The couple were semi retired and were looking to move out of state, they needed something temporary until they were both retired. They had bought a house in Pennsylvania and would go there on the weekends.  The night of March 13 2010 they had decided to go and visit their house. The man had told my Aunt they hadn’t plan to go but at the last minute got in the car and left before the storm. Something told him to leave.  Lucky for them they did. That night the wind blew a tree down onto my Aunt’s house and destroyed the back room.  Thank God they weren’t there , they would have been crushed. The man after words told my aunt that my grandmother had saved his life even though he never knew her. Something beyond us gave them the intuition to leave my Aunts house that night which  saved them. The wind may have destroyed a house, but faith was restored with the gift of life. 

The clouds are getting thicker and thicker

The flakes are getting bigger and bigger

So we just wait and wait

    Sometimes a storm comes in and the world around you becomes silent. Everyone shops for food the day before and prepares themselves for hibernation until the storm passes. The TV gets everyone in a panic, have to go buy food, batteries, flashlights anything but the kitchen sink. I of course fall into the trap, run around the stores looking for milk, eggs, flour and snacks. You can't face a storm without snacks in the house. My mother would always say as long as you have eggs and flour you'll make it through the storm.  She would forget that not everyone is a baker. She would make bread on a whim, and it would be amazing. While the kids would go out and play in the snow and my husband would try and dig us out, I would stay in the house and try to whip up something to eat.  My favorite soup is beef. Everyone loves chicken soup, I hate the cooking chicken. Yes I probably am the only one in America that would rather cook beef soup than chicken.  I just don't like cooking chicken, so afraid of under cooking it I end up burning it. Nothing like beef soup on a blizzard day. Love the smell of soup that fills a cold house. It makes the cold go away and brings warmth to the house. Blizzards are a great way to stop and enjoy family time.  I often look out the window to see the beautiful white snow cover our back yard. One year I noticed the fig tree all covered with snow. My father had planted the tree when we first moved into the house.  It has survived storm after storm.  My husband used to cover the tree but as time went on he just stopped.  The fig tree gets blown down, frozen at times but in the spring it comes to life. One year we thought it was dead so my husband cut it down to the trunk and the next year it came back.  The tree has survived year after year.  I often think my Dad keeps it alive, so that when we pick the figs and eat them, he will always be remembered.  

Storms, you never know what damage they will bring

You just hold on tight and hope that your loved ones are safe.

You hold on and hope that everything that gets lost will be found.

You hold on and just wait it out. 

God, can I get a do over?

 

    

The holidays were over, but the aftermath was just beginning.  There is always a pile of gifts to return and never at the same stores. 

Yes, some of us still go to physical stores and shop. I like walking into a store and figuring out where should I go first. Should I look at jewelry, something for the house or clothing. I will just walk around for hours, and maybe I'll pick up a candle, smell it and just put it back down. You can't do that online, you can't smell the fragrance of perfume, soap or candles.  I will pick up a sweater and feel the fabric and decide if I like how, it feels not just how it looks. Online you can't feel the cotton on your skin, you can't see the actual shade of the black dress, you're just buying a picture.  I also like chit chatting with the salespeople or complaining to the other buyers online about various topics. On the internet check out there is nothing but a button that says purchase. No one to talk to except yourself. So, as you can guess I prefer to shop in person you never know what you will find and who you will run into. 

 It was a Wednesday morning, and I had my day planned.  I was heading towards the bank, then the dollar store, then TJ max, then the loft and then make my wat to e food store.  I had my daughter's birthday that I wanted to plan for while I ran around returning gifts.  Before I headed out to the stores I needed gas in the car.  I decided to go to the gas station on the way to the bank. 

 When I pulled into the gas station, I pulled into the wrong side of the pump. I always forget which side my gas tank is on. I was contemplating if I should pull through and go to the other gas pump on the opposite side.  Before I can do anything, a car pulled head-to-head with me so I couldn’t pull away.  I was so mad, If I was a cartoon, you would see smoke coming out of my head.  I yelled at the women thanks a lot now how am I going to get out. She just looked at me like to bad. I put my car in reverse and went on the other side to put gas in my tank.  She got out of her car, and I went crazy on her. I said "you are so rude, you blocked me in, how am I supposed to get out.  I can’t believe how arrogant you are. You saw me sitting in my car. Why didn't you pull in back of me? " I completely lost my mind over nothing.  After she put gas in her car, she pulled out sand stopped to apologize but I still couldn’t except it. I said yeh yeh have a good holiday.  I was fuming over what I don't know. I got into my car and went to the bank, tried to shake the bad feeling off but couldn't. As I was driving to the dollar store, I said God I wish I could start this day over, I wish I hadn't act like that towards that woman. I started crying because I couldn’t believe the way I treated that women. What kind of person am I? I proceeded to the dollar store, and the people behind me on the line were so nice. We had such a great conversation they made me laugh, but I still could not shake the awful feeling.  My next stop was TJ Max. I was going to go to TJ Max to return slippers, but I realized I didn’t have them with me, so I had to go home. 

I went home got the slippers and drove back to TJ Max.  The line at the store was extremely long so I walked around hoping the line would get shorter.  I browsed through the beauty section, the shoes department, the jewelry and back to the cloths. About half an hour later, out of the corner of my eye I saw the women I had fought with at the gas station. I can't describe the feeling that came over me.  It was almost like a spotlight had come over my body and I started to cry, I went up to her and tapped her on her shoulder.  She recognized me and I could tell she was taken back.  I said " I am so sorry for the way I acted.  Please accept my apology".  She said I'm sorry to, but I kept saying you have nothing to apologize for it was my fault. Please accept my apology, she said thank you.  We then said goodbye and I went online to return my slippers. I cried all morning because what are the odds of me running into the same women twice in one day.  I originally was going to go to TJ Max after the dollar store but went home instead. I could have gotten on the long line and waited but I didn't. I asked God for a do over and he put me at the right place at the right time so I can have one. 

Different day

 It's a different sky, a different moon.

another day is coming soon.

It's a different sun, a different ocean.

another day full of great emotion.

It's a different life, a different time.

another mountain we have to climb. 

It's a different song a different dance, 

another life full of romance. 

It's a different time, a different world.

another dream has come true. 

Here we go again, what am I cooking tonight?

     Just to give you a background, I am a working housewife. Yes I work from 9 to 5 and then go home to my night job which is from 5 to when I go to bed. It has gotten easier since my kids have grown, but it was tough getting to this moment.  When kids are young they need more attention and care. Now I need attention and care 😂 I am not at that point yet but its around the corner. 😁At one point I was considered part of the sandwich generation. What is that you may ask , because I know the first time my boss referred  me as part of the sandwich generation I was confused. The sandwich generation is a person who is caring for their elderly  parent and young children at the same time.  It makes sense because you feel like your being squeezed by both wanting and needing your attention. As much as it was hard to deal with, I would give anything to go back and relive every moment I had. Ok getting back to the task at hand, which is, what am I cooking tonight? 

    Today is Wednesday. I now go through my head and make a list of what I have already made this week, because god forbid I should make something twice in a week.  I made pasta Sunday so that is out. Monday I made Taco's. My mother never in her life ate a taco. She never had an urge to make taco's. If my mother was  alive she would probably say since when do you make taco's?  To her it was like betraying my Italian heritage.  I was born in Italy and in our house we only ate Italian cousin.  Just the other day I was telling my daughter, I don't ever remember ordering take out as a kid. My mother cooked everyday. She woke up at 5 in the morning made coffee, made my father lunch to take with him. Got us up, made our lunch and then she went off to the factory.  Ok back to my dinner plans.

    Wednesday is my day off so I run around like a chicken without a head. Don't know why I use that expression, but it definitely describes how I feel.  I walk around not knowing where to go first, I feel like I have to beat the clock. I have to get everything done before everyone gets home. Again my mother in my head, "you should get home so your there when your husband gets home."  That would not fly now, not sure why I let it fly, 😲 Anyway getting back to the chicken, I went to the grocery store with the intention of buying chicken cutlets. I usually buy the thin sliced cutlets without antibiotic.  I try to buy organic when I can.  I looked for them on the chicken isle  and of course today they only had the tenderloin in the brand I like. So chicken is a no go.  I walked over and got some pork chops, they were so thin,  almost like cutlets. I also picked some peppers for a side.

    Cooking is not as hard as people make it seem, take it from someone who never cooked until she was 40. My mother was amazed I could cook, she would tell people how amazed she was, since I never cooked at home. My response to my mother was "how can I cook in a kitchen I can't use" The kitchen was my mothers domain. She was a total control freak over the kitchen. Back to the pork chops.   If you have some idea of what you want to make you can build on it. Most of the time I just use the same ingredients over and over. I am a creature of habit. I rarely use a cook book unless I am doing something special. Like my mother I wing it. 

    What do you need to make porkchops, salt, garlic powder, milk and breadcrumbs. My mother would beat an egg in the milk but I would rather not. You take a pan, put tin foil on it, drizzle some oil so your meat doesn't get stuck.  Shake the salt and garlic on the meat. Dip the meat into the milk and then drag the meat in the breadcrumbs.  Place the meat on the pan and bake it in the oven.  I bake it for a half hour at 420. turn them after 15 minutes. That wasn't so hard right?

    Now you just can't have meat, you have to have something else to go with your main dish.  Making diner is like buying an outfit for going out.  You buy a dress but you can't just wear the dress without shoes.  While I was out picking up my meat I also picked up zucchini, red peppers, and green peppers. $125 later I went home. Ridiculous how much everything costs. I hold my breath at the cash register as if that's going to help the blow. Ounce I got home I took a frying pan put some olive oil in the pan. I chopped up a half of a sweet onion and threw it in the frying pan. while the onion gets soft, I chopped up just one zucchini, one red pepper and one green pepper. Next step just throw it all into the frying pan to join the onion. 

Last but not least, I had bought a box of cherry tomatoes cut them in half and squeeze the seeds out, and than I put them in a dish.  The other half of the onion that I cut I chopped and tossed them into the tomatoes. I than sprinkled some salt and oregano along with olive oil into the tomato mixture and called it a day. Another day I managed to feed my family. 

 

Mary a young woman, surrounded by God and the Angels.

Mary gave birth to a baby in a manger.

The Manger a home for animals to shelter.

The Manger that day was the birth place of life ever after.

The Baby born on a floor full of hay.

The Baby named Jesus would be the world’s miracle on Christmas day.

 

The night the world changed for a 3rd grader

There smiles and laughs in the room

But in the morning it was as quiet as a tomb

We ate ice cream nice and cold

It was shocking when I was told

My mother and father left me there

Why did she die? That’s not fare

I slept well in my aunt’s bed

The words my mother said kept repeating in my head.

Got up and had breakfast that morning

When they buried her, the world stopped turning

I loved her very much

And no longer can I feel her loving touch

I was young and didn’t cry

Maybe I couldn’t face that my great grand mother had died.

Love you always Nanna Nuzza.

By Angela 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As children we don’t understand everything that goes on around us, we rely on our parents to make us understand and keep us safe.  They can’t keep us safe if they can’t see inside us, our thoughts, our anxiety.

 

His Sacrifice gave us Hope

 

Everyone on their knees

Wondering what will be.

Hands are folded, prayers are spoken,

and ears are wide open.

They stand in front of a cross made of wood.

Crucified, is a man full of good.

A man whose physical body has been broken.

But his soul has been woken.

Their hearts are full of Sorrow of a life that has been sacrificed.

For all of us to enter paradise

His Sacrifice has given the world hope.

A Sacrifice that a mother must have faith to cope.

A mother’s heart full of sorrow

She never knew what was to follow.

People worshiping her son with love and affection.

Angels standing next to him with adoration

We worship him, we are thankful for giving us life ever after. Amen  

Sometimes you just need a smile

 

June 4, 1988

Crying about the same old thing

No one to hear it but the voice with in

Your  heart is bleeding

With No one to heal it

You  just need a smile

Just a little smile

 

The sky is endless grey

The sun won’t peak for one day

Not a patch of blue in sight

Waiting on the moonlight

 

                                    

   All the seeds are dry and wilted

   Just a little water to be lifted

    A new life has to begin

    If they die it would be a sin

 

                                                          Lay down on the ground

                                                          Pray for the sun to come around

                                                          All you need is a smile

                                                         To shine on you for a while

 

Sometimes you just need a smile

Just a little smile

Mother Mary

 

Holding your baby in your arms,

Trying to protect him from evil harm.

Not knowing that one day he would be sacrificed

And become our Christ

Mary your love is if felt all over the world

How lucky are we that your love was strong enough,

That you watched your child die and suffer for all of us.

Thank you for your sacrifice

 Thank you Mother Mary.

Some People, Everyone

 

There are some people that are dark inside.

No matter how much gold Is sprinkled on them.

They just won’t glow.

                    

There are some people that are glowing inside.

No matter how much negative surrounds them,

They just won’t fade.

There are some people that are empty inside.

No matter how much they have,

They will never be fulfilled.

There are some people that are fulfilled inside.

No matter how much you take from them,

They just won’t fall.

There are some people that are sad inside.

No matter how much they are loved,

They just won’t smile.

There are some people who can’t stop smiling.

No matter how much it rains,

They just shine.

 

 

 

 

 

Questions Within

 

Questions Within

Where do you go

When your World is full of Corners

Where the floors and ceiling are one?

The doors have all been closed

and there you sit without a chair.

How do you stand

When your feet are your hands

and your nails are digging into your toes?

There you roll without any clothes.

Somewhere through the keyhole

A wider vision is seen.

But how can you see

If your eyes are your ears?

Close your mouth

                         listen through your heart                   

                                                                            and the door will open.

                                                                    If the feeling is within your soul.

                                                                       

                                                                          By Angela Mantovani Perri

                                                                         Illustrated by Lee Anne Chiulli

My Mother can not just be a Footnote

  

A footnote.

  A footnote is a note of reference, explanation, or comment usually placed below the text on a printed page.  Ever think of a footnote, do you ever go to the footnotes to see where the quotes in the book came from or what book facts were taken from to make a point in literature? Today I have been thinking a lot about footnotes and what they mean to me.  In a pandemic who will be in the footnotes?  Who will be supplying the footnotes to the Authors of the future?  In a world full of pain, death, and sorrow who will be the main story and who will just be a footnote? 

 Will the Covid deaths be the only deaths that matter in 2020? Who decides which deaths mattered more than others? There has been so much sadness an enormous amount of loss.  Everyone has been affected from Covid 2020 either by getting Covid, losing employment or losings a loved one. 

My mother died on May 24^th in the hospital of heart failure.  Covid was not the cause of death, but it caused her to die indirectly.  Her death will not go down in history as a Covid fatality, but she died during the pandemic and  a should be counted but there will only be a footnote  "other deaths occurred during the pandemic" 1. 

My mother ended up in the hospital On March 17^th 2020 the day after all hospitals went on lock down. The doctors didn’t even know the Governors orders,  but they had an inkling that something was coming down the pipe. She was supposed to have cardiovascular surgery and the original doctor told me on Monday that he would have to do it in the office because he would not be able to do the surgery in Mercy where he had privileges. I was not comfortable for my mom to have this procedure in a doctor’s office so I took her to her cardiologist in Manhasset.  Her doctor referred us to a surgeon that was affiliated with Saint Frances.  The cardiologist said we couldn't wait, we had to go see the surgeon that that day.  There was an iery feeling in the air, something just didn't seem right.  Got to the surgeon office, after examining her , he told me she had to be admitted immediately into the hospital .  Me and my aunt then  took her to the emergency room at Saint Frances and the start of her  life journey would soon come to an end. I was not allowed to go with her in the emergency room, I was told to leave and they would call me.  I couldn’t even explain to my mother, who didn’t understand English what was happening.  The hospital parking lot was empty, no one in the emergency room, you just can feel that things were not right. The only way for me to communicate with her was by face time 

 

 

 

The nurses were wonderful and really went out of their way to have my mom feel comfortable. She was released a week later. I was not allowed to go up to the floor to get her, they brought her down to the parking garage.  In the parking garage the nurse went over the care for her and had me sign the release papers.  Nothing was the same.

Catholic Services were set up to come and take care of my Mother to make sure she was recovering from her toe amputation. The nurses and the therapists were great.  They never canceled appointments took caution for the Covid and showed up.  I got to talk the most of them and they wee dealing with patients coming home with Covid, they were scared but did their job.  

The doctors were not seeing patients, only video appointments. Everything was pretty much stopped. Life as it was had changed, School (the actual building) was closed, students were on line since March 13^th.  We never knew when it would go back to in person, now we know we never did until 2021, a year later.  The one positive note, because of the lock down I worked from home.  I got to see my family all day every day. At night we would go for walks life was nice and peaceful.  My Mom was recovering at least that’s what we thought.  I ended up going to her house everyday from 8:30 to around 4 4:30 from April 10^th to when she became sick again. I am so happy I had that time with her.  I would bring my lab top and work while we talked.  I made her do her exercise and loved the way she looked at me when she thought I was nuts.  She had a way of staring at me that made me laugh. 

 

During my many conversations with my Mother she had me go upstairs to find the deed to her plot at Holly Road Cemetery. I said why do you need that she said I want you to know where it is. So, I got it for her. I guess that was her way of letting me know what was to come. I said Ma, you can’t die, if you do you can’t have a funeral. She shrugged her shoulders and said "Che mene frega" translation I don’t give a crap. 

A week before Mother’s Day while one of the nurses was visiting, she noticed that her other toe was not looking good.  She tried to call the doctor but he could not see her yet, they were still not seeing patients in person on May 6 2020. My mother was not doing well, so I decided to sleep over the Saturday before Mother’s Day and on Mother’s Day night.    I felt so good staying with her, I wished I was young again, got in bed with her and just held her hand. 

May 11^th my mother ended up in the hospital again, I couldn’t go in the ambulance with her, and I had a bad feeling I wasn’t going to see her again.  I kept telling her I won’t be able to see you, I don’t know if she understood.  This time around the hospital experience was not a good one.  The Covid was hard to deal with and the doctors and nurses were definitely over their heads and probably over worked and burned out.

People often say it was out of your control, you have to follow the rules.  I followed the rules but I still can’t understand how I was not allowed to stay with her in the hospital especially since she could not speak English.  Her cardiologist called me every day, and would tell me to call the hospital and harass them to let me in.  Even the doctors could not understand why the patients were not allowed to have a voice.  I was my mothers voice, and I was silenced. I called every day, every four hours until they let me see her for 10 minutes.  It was up to the nurses if I could go in, some nurses were understanding some ruled by the Governors orders.   I was grateful to see her for as much time they allowed me.

My mother was born in Italy and came to the Unites States early 30"s. She believed in respect, never missed a funeral always had to pay her respect.  Even though she went to the wake of the person who passed, she would follow that up with a visit to the family.  That was her way until a few years back when she had no one to take her.  I used to say to her don't think everyone is going to come to your wake, she would say I don't care who comes I have to do what I have to do, they came to your fathers and I have to go to theirs. When she died, we were not able to have a wake for her friends and family to come and pay their respect. We were only able to have 10 at the viewing for an hour and then we went   directly to the cemetery for a blessing , before she was put to her eternal house.   I guess we were  lucky most people weren’t even able to have more than 2 people and no viewing.

I remember siting in my back yard, where we often sat together and a red robin flew into my pink Rose tree.  The Rose tree has been there since she lived in the house, her and my father planted it.  The Red Robin was visiting his wife, they had built a nest and all day they would fly back and fourth.  I watched the male bird bring food for the baby and wife.  Deep in my heart I knew it was a sign,  letting me know that my Mother and Father were together again. 

  

 

 1. other deaths occurred during the pandemic- Rosina Mantovani  May 24, 2020

What kind of mother do I inspire to be? I ask myself

What kind of mother do I inspire to be? I ask myself.

Do I want to be the mother who constantly cuddles her children, lots of hugs and kisses to the point of nausea.

Maybe, they are so cute I can’t help it.

Will I be the mother who is always nervous that something will happen, to the point you go to their room every night to see they are breathing.  

Maybe they are so precious. I can’t bear to lose them.

Will I watch the animated movies, cartoons and silly shows with my children?

Most likely I just want to spend time with them

 

Will I be your driver, and take you wherever you want to go.

Yes, I will wear the hat

Will I be your teacher and help you through life’s difficult paths?

If you let me I will hold your hand through it all.

Will I be the mother that cries when you are sad and cries when your happy?

Probably, and will cry all day

Will I be the mother that encourages you when you don’t believe in yourself?

Every day I will show up and tell you how wonderful you are.

Will I sing you lullabies, to get you to sleep.

Will I sleep with you because you’re afraid?

Will I be there when you need me?

Will I be there every step you take, every fall?

Will I laugh with you and tell you jokes?

Without a doubt, I will do it all.

This is the mother I inspire to be.

He holds the hearts of three

The day you held our baby in your arms and kissed her on her check

I could not help but fall in love with you again

When you took her little hands and helped her walk for the first time

I could not help but fall in love with you again

All the nights you ran into her room  to save her from the buggy man under her bed

I could not help but fall in love with you again

When you tickle her, when you walk with her, when you just sit and watch TV with her

I can't help but fall in love with you over and over

When I see you looking at our daughter with love in your heart

I know that I have fallen in love with the one she calls Daddy and is truly deserving of the title

To my husband 

I fall in love with you everyday.

Dream With Your Soul: It's all about the dress or is it?

Dream With Your Soul: It's all about the dress or is it?: Every girl dreams of the day, she finds her prince, falls in love and gets married. Finding the perfect one wasn’t easy for me.  At 37 I ha...

It's all about the dress or is it?

Every girl dreams of the day, she finds her prince, falls in love and gets married. Finding the perfect one wasn’t easy for me.  At 37 I had kissed a few frogs and heard a lot of Bull. Then one day at a christening party there he was.  Our first date was two weeks later, I was sure he wasn’t going to call but thank god he did.  We went to dinner at Dodice’s, after dinner played a game of pool at the billiard, and then ended the night at the piano bar for a glass of B&B.   That was the beginning.

                One year later we got engaged, yes some say it was too soon but what were we waiting for? We were both in our late 30's.

When you know you just know.  So it began the scavenger hunt.

Find a hall (Chateau Briand)

Flowers (Pedestals)

Limousines (Royalties)

Tux, brides maid and groom gifts and of course the honeymoon booked (Hawaii)

And then most important the hunt for the dress.

My mother and I started at Lillette’s, and ended there. I tried on 20 gowns give and take.

There was a gown, it was 100% silk, with princess sleeves, not too low of a neck line (too old to be bold) plain with no applications just plain.

We had found the dress.

My Mother cried and so did I, something though felt like it was missing.

I was talking to my friend Denise one day and I mentioned that I wanted a bride doll.  

My Bridal Shower was in March, My mother picked the place me and John had the night ter we got engaged La Palma.

The shower was beautiful but something was missing. There was a dais for me and my bridal party to sit. In the middle of the table was my doll.  It was a Madam Alexander doll dressed in a bridal gown with a tiara,  holding my bouquet of flowers.    

“Denise the doll is gorgeous thank you so much.” I said

“I took a picture of your dress and had my husband’s seamstress make the dress and sow it for the doll” Denise said.

I could not believe she went through that trouble and work for my doll.

I said “that was so nice of you, the only thing is they must have shown you the wrong dress. My dress does not have all that work on it.  It’s plain with no design.”

Denise said “no this is the one they showed me. I shrug my head and went on having another drink to toast the occasion.

Six weeks before my wedding the phone rings at work It’s the manager at Lillette’s.  

“ Hi Angela, I’m calling you because we have a problem with your dress” She says

My heart fell to my stomach.  “ what kind of problem”  I asked

“The dress came in but it’s not the one you ordered.” The woman said. “please come down and look at the dress, the designer cannot make the dress in time for your wedding”

At that point I felt jinxed.  The dress coming in wrong was a bad sign.  I wanted nothing to do with the dress. I wanted the one I ordered and that was that.

Diane who sat next to me at work was trying to talk to me but I could not stop crying.  My boss tried to calm me down but the tears would not go away.

I went home that night and cried to my mother, my brother my aunt anyone who called the house I would cry .  John tried to tell me not to worry but all I could hear is the wrong dress is here.  Us Italians we think everything happens for a reason, and my reason was doomsday. Then my godmother Maria called she worked at Lillette’s and said, I saw the dress it is beautiful, I know how you feel but come in you never know.

So the next day I left work early and went to try on the wrong dress.  The dress had appliqués  going from the bottom of the dress to the middle just like the doll.  My dress came in exactly like my dolls dress.  I tried it on and I felt like a princess in it.  My tears of sorrow had turned into tears of joy.  All the woman that were down stairs were all so happy for me.   They told me they were not going to charge me more than my dress cost.  The one that came in was much more expensive because of the work and design.  I was happy.

The next day I went into work  and told Diane what happened and she said “maybe that was the dress your Dad wanted you to wear”  I Thought about it and said maybe.  All along I was trying to down play my wedding because something was missing and maybe that was his way of saying I’m here.