Sometimes you just need a smile

 

June 4, 1988

Crying about the same old thing

No one to hear it but the voice with in

Your  heart is bleeding

With No one to heal it

You  just need a smile

Just a little smile

 

The sky is endless grey

The sun won’t peak for one day

Not a patch of blue in sight

Waiting on the moonlight

 

                                    

   All the seeds are dry and wilted

   Just a little water to be lifted

    A new life has to begin

    If they die it would be a sin

 

                                                          Lay down on the ground

                                                          Pray for the sun to come around

                                                          All you need is a smile

                                                         To shine on you for a while

 

Sometimes you just need a smile

Just a little smile

Mother Mary

 

Holding your baby in your arms,

Trying to protect him from evil harm.

Not knowing that one day he would be sacrificed

And become our Christ

Mary your love is if felt all over the world

How lucky are we that your love was strong enough,

That you watched your child die and suffer for all of us.

Thank you for your sacrifice

 Thank you Mother Mary.

Some People, Everyone

 

There are some people that are dark inside.

No matter how much gold Is sprinkled on them.

They just won’t glow.

                    

There are some people that are glowing inside.

No matter how much negative surrounds them,

They just won’t fade.

There are some people that are empty inside.

No matter how much they have,

They will never be fulfilled.

There are some people that are fulfilled inside.

No matter how much you take from them,

They just won’t fall.

There are some people that are sad inside.

No matter how much they are loved,

They just won’t smile.

There are some people who can’t stop smiling.

No matter how much it rains,

They just shine.

 

 

 

 

 

Questions Within

 

Questions Within

Where do you go

When your World is full of Corners

Where the floors and ceiling are one?

The doors have all been closed

and there you sit without a chair.

How do you stand

When your feet are your hands

and your nails are digging into your toes?

There you roll without any clothes.

Somewhere through the keyhole

A wider vision is seen.

But how can you see

If your eyes are your ears?

Close your mouth

                         listen through your heart                   

                                                                            and the door will open.

                                                                    If the feeling is within your soul.

                                                                       

                                                                          By Angela Mantovani Perri

                                                                         Illustrated by Lee Anne Chiulli

My Mother can not just be a Footnote

  

A footnote.

  A footnote is a note of reference, explanation, or comment usually placed below the text on a printed page.  Ever think of a footnote, do you ever go to the footnotes to see where the quotes in the book came from or what book facts were taken from to make a point in literature? Today I have been thinking a lot about footnotes and what they mean to me.  In a pandemic who will be in the footnotes?  Who will be supplying the footnotes to the Authors of the future?  In a world full of pain, death, and sorrow who will be the main story and who will just be a footnote? 

 Will the Covid deaths be the only deaths that matter in 2020? Who decides which deaths mattered more than others? There has been so much sadness an enormous amount of loss.  Everyone has been affected from Covid 2020 either by getting Covid, losing employment or losings a loved one. 

My mother died on May 24^th in the hospital of heart failure.  Covid was not the cause of death, but it caused her to die indirectly.  Her death will not go down in history as a Covid fatality, but she died during the pandemic and  a should be counted but there will only be a footnote  "other deaths occurred during the pandemic" 1. 

My mother ended up in the hospital On March 17^th 2020 the day after all hospitals went on lock down. The doctors didn’t even know the Governors orders,  but they had an inkling that something was coming down the pipe. She was supposed to have cardiovascular surgery and the original doctor told me on Monday that he would have to do it in the office because he would not be able to do the surgery in Mercy where he had privileges. I was not comfortable for my mom to have this procedure in a doctor’s office so I took her to her cardiologist in Manhasset.  Her doctor referred us to a surgeon that was affiliated with Saint Frances.  The cardiologist said we couldn't wait, we had to go see the surgeon that that day.  There was an iery feeling in the air, something just didn't seem right.  Got to the surgeon office, after examining her , he told me she had to be admitted immediately into the hospital .  Me and my aunt then  took her to the emergency room at Saint Frances and the start of her  life journey would soon come to an end. I was not allowed to go with her in the emergency room, I was told to leave and they would call me.  I couldn’t even explain to my mother, who didn’t understand English what was happening.  The hospital parking lot was empty, no one in the emergency room, you just can feel that things were not right. The only way for me to communicate with her was by face time 

 

 

 

The nurses were wonderful and really went out of their way to have my mom feel comfortable. She was released a week later. I was not allowed to go up to the floor to get her, they brought her down to the parking garage.  In the parking garage the nurse went over the care for her and had me sign the release papers.  Nothing was the same.

Catholic Services were set up to come and take care of my Mother to make sure she was recovering from her toe amputation. The nurses and the therapists were great.  They never canceled appointments took caution for the Covid and showed up.  I got to talk the most of them and they wee dealing with patients coming home with Covid, they were scared but did their job.  

The doctors were not seeing patients, only video appointments. Everything was pretty much stopped. Life as it was had changed, School (the actual building) was closed, students were on line since March 13^th.  We never knew when it would go back to in person, now we know we never did until 2021, a year later.  The one positive note, because of the lock down I worked from home.  I got to see my family all day every day. At night we would go for walks life was nice and peaceful.  My Mom was recovering at least that’s what we thought.  I ended up going to her house everyday from 8:30 to around 4 4:30 from April 10^th to when she became sick again. I am so happy I had that time with her.  I would bring my lab top and work while we talked.  I made her do her exercise and loved the way she looked at me when she thought I was nuts.  She had a way of staring at me that made me laugh. 

 

During my many conversations with my Mother she had me go upstairs to find the deed to her plot at Holly Road Cemetery. I said why do you need that she said I want you to know where it is. So, I got it for her. I guess that was her way of letting me know what was to come. I said Ma, you can’t die, if you do you can’t have a funeral. She shrugged her shoulders and said "Che mene frega" translation I don’t give a crap. 

A week before Mother’s Day while one of the nurses was visiting, she noticed that her other toe was not looking good.  She tried to call the doctor but he could not see her yet, they were still not seeing patients in person on May 6 2020. My mother was not doing well, so I decided to sleep over the Saturday before Mother’s Day and on Mother’s Day night.    I felt so good staying with her, I wished I was young again, got in bed with her and just held her hand. 

May 11^th my mother ended up in the hospital again, I couldn’t go in the ambulance with her, and I had a bad feeling I wasn’t going to see her again.  I kept telling her I won’t be able to see you, I don’t know if she understood.  This time around the hospital experience was not a good one.  The Covid was hard to deal with and the doctors and nurses were definitely over their heads and probably over worked and burned out.

People often say it was out of your control, you have to follow the rules.  I followed the rules but I still can’t understand how I was not allowed to stay with her in the hospital especially since she could not speak English.  Her cardiologist called me every day, and would tell me to call the hospital and harass them to let me in.  Even the doctors could not understand why the patients were not allowed to have a voice.  I was my mothers voice, and I was silenced. I called every day, every four hours until they let me see her for 10 minutes.  It was up to the nurses if I could go in, some nurses were understanding some ruled by the Governors orders.   I was grateful to see her for as much time they allowed me.

My mother was born in Italy and came to the Unites States early 30"s. She believed in respect, never missed a funeral always had to pay her respect.  Even though she went to the wake of the person who passed, she would follow that up with a visit to the family.  That was her way until a few years back when she had no one to take her.  I used to say to her don't think everyone is going to come to your wake, she would say I don't care who comes I have to do what I have to do, they came to your fathers and I have to go to theirs. When she died, we were not able to have a wake for her friends and family to come and pay their respect. We were only able to have 10 at the viewing for an hour and then we went   directly to the cemetery for a blessing , before she was put to her eternal house.   I guess we were  lucky most people weren’t even able to have more than 2 people and no viewing.

I remember siting in my back yard, where we often sat together and a red robin flew into my pink Rose tree.  The Rose tree has been there since she lived in the house, her and my father planted it.  The Red Robin was visiting his wife, they had built a nest and all day they would fly back and fourth.  I watched the male bird bring food for the baby and wife.  Deep in my heart I knew it was a sign,  letting me know that my Mother and Father were together again. 

  

 

 1. other deaths occurred during the pandemic- Rosina Mantovani  May 24, 2020

What kind of mother do I inspire to be? I ask myself

What kind of mother do I inspire to be? I ask myself.

Do I want to be the mother who constantly cuddles her children, lots of hugs and kisses to the point of nausea.

Maybe, they are so cute I can’t help it.

Will I be the mother who is always nervous that something will happen, to the point you go to their room every night to see they are breathing.  

Maybe they are so precious. I can’t bear to lose them.

Will I watch the animated movies, cartoons and silly shows with my children?

Most likely I just want to spend time with them

 

Will I be your driver, and take you wherever you want to go.

Yes, I will wear the hat

Will I be your teacher and help you through life’s difficult paths?

If you let me I will hold your hand through it all.

Will I be the mother that cries when you are sad and cries when your happy?

Probably, and will cry all day

Will I be the mother that encourages you when you don’t believe in yourself?

Every day I will show up and tell you how wonderful you are.

Will I sing you lullabies, to get you to sleep.

Will I sleep with you because you’re afraid?

Will I be there when you need me?

Will I be there every step you take, every fall?

Will I laugh with you and tell you jokes?

Without a doubt, I will do it all.

This is the mother I inspire to be.

He holds the hearts of three

The day you held our baby in your arms and kissed her on her check

I could not help but fall in love with you again

When you took her little hands and helped her walk for the first time

I could not help but fall in love with you again

All the nights you ran into her room  to save her from the buggy man under her bed

I could not help but fall in love with you again

When you tickle her, when you walk with her, when you just sit and watch TV with her

I can't help but fall in love with you over and over

When I see you looking at our daughter with love in your heart

I know that I have fallen in love with the one she calls Daddy and is truly deserving of the title

To my husband 

I fall in love with you everyday.

Dream With Your Soul: It's all about the dress or is it?

Dream With Your Soul: It's all about the dress or is it?: Every girl dreams of the day, she finds her prince, falls in love and gets married. Finding the perfect one wasn’t easy for me.  At 37 I ha...

It's all about the dress or is it?

Every girl dreams of the day, she finds her prince, falls in love and gets married. Finding the perfect one wasn’t easy for me.  At 37 I had kissed a few frogs and heard a lot of Bull. Then one day at a christening party there he was.  Our first date was two weeks later, I was sure he wasn’t going to call but thank god he did.  We went to dinner at Dodice’s, after dinner played a game of pool at the billiard, and then ended the night at the piano bar for a glass of B&B.   That was the beginning.

                One year later we got engaged, yes some say it was too soon but what were we waiting for? We were both in our late 30's.

When you know you just know.  So it began the scavenger hunt.

Find a hall (Chateau Briand)

Flowers (Pedestals)

Limousines (Royalties)

Tux, brides maid and groom gifts and of course the honeymoon booked (Hawaii)

And then most important the hunt for the dress.

My mother and I started at Lillette’s, and ended there. I tried on 20 gowns give and take.

There was a gown, it was 100% silk, with princess sleeves, not too low of a neck line (too old to be bold) plain with no applications just plain.

We had found the dress.

My Mother cried and so did I, something though felt like it was missing.

I was talking to my friend Denise one day and I mentioned that I wanted a bride doll.  

My Bridal Shower was in March, My mother picked the place me and John had the night ter we got engaged La Palma.

The shower was beautiful but something was missing. There was a dais for me and my bridal party to sit. In the middle of the table was my doll.  It was a Madam Alexander doll dressed in a bridal gown with a tiara,  holding my bouquet of flowers.    

“Denise the doll is gorgeous thank you so much.” I said

“I took a picture of your dress and had my husband’s seamstress make the dress and sow it for the doll” Denise said.

I could not believe she went through that trouble and work for my doll.

I said “that was so nice of you, the only thing is they must have shown you the wrong dress. My dress does not have all that work on it.  It’s plain with no design.”

Denise said “no this is the one they showed me. I shrug my head and went on having another drink to toast the occasion.

Six weeks before my wedding the phone rings at work It’s the manager at Lillette’s.  

“ Hi Angela, I’m calling you because we have a problem with your dress” She says

My heart fell to my stomach.  “ what kind of problem”  I asked

“The dress came in but it’s not the one you ordered.” The woman said. “please come down and look at the dress, the designer cannot make the dress in time for your wedding”

At that point I felt jinxed.  The dress coming in wrong was a bad sign.  I wanted nothing to do with the dress. I wanted the one I ordered and that was that.

Diane who sat next to me at work was trying to talk to me but I could not stop crying.  My boss tried to calm me down but the tears would not go away.

I went home that night and cried to my mother, my brother my aunt anyone who called the house I would cry .  John tried to tell me not to worry but all I could hear is the wrong dress is here.  Us Italians we think everything happens for a reason, and my reason was doomsday. Then my godmother Maria called she worked at Lillette’s and said, I saw the dress it is beautiful, I know how you feel but come in you never know.

So the next day I left work early and went to try on the wrong dress.  The dress had appliqués  going from the bottom of the dress to the middle just like the doll.  My dress came in exactly like my dolls dress.  I tried it on and I felt like a princess in it.  My tears of sorrow had turned into tears of joy.  All the woman that were down stairs were all so happy for me.   They told me they were not going to charge me more than my dress cost.  The one that came in was much more expensive because of the work and design.  I was happy.

The next day I went into work  and told Diane what happened and she said “maybe that was the dress your Dad wanted you to wear”  I Thought about it and said maybe.  All along I was trying to down play my wedding because something was missing and maybe that was his way of saying I’m here.  

Dream With Your Soul: My wish for Mother's day

Dream With Your Soul: My wish for Mother's day: When asked what would I like for mother’s day. My wish would be to hold you both in my arms for the first time. To rock you bot...

My wish for Mother's day

When asked what would I like for mother’s day.

My wish would be to hold you both in my arms for the first time.

To rock you both back and forth singing over the rainbow so you would fall asleep.

I would love to re live that moment when you looked at me from your crib and giggled.

To smell your hair right after a bath.

To hold your little hands while you took your first steps.

What I wouldn’t give for you just to run to me from your first day of nursery smiling and laughing.

To be able to dress you, brush your hair and take you with me where ever I go.

My wish would be to do it all over again and again.

I hope that one day I will see you celebrate mother’s day and feel the unconditional love that I feel for you.

All I want for mother’s day is what got me here in the first place to spend my day with you.

The Glowing Runner

A glowing runner 

A blue ball that floats through the air

Children  are so innocent

They believe with their hearts

They don't  question what they see or hear.

 Dusk was setting in 

Dinner had been prepared, served, and eaten.

The dishes were being hand washed (by me of course)

A warm Breeze was blowing in from the back door. 

It all seemed so suriel when a little voice screamed 

 “ Mommy, Mommy, there is a man glowing, running through our yard”

“What? “ I asked with disbelief

“ come see Mommy” she said frantically and pulled me to the back door.

There was nothing there.

"you probably thought you saw something but it was most likely a bird or a firefly" I said and brushed it off.

Dream With Your Soul: Friends come and go but some stay for lunch

Dream With Your Soul: Friends come and go but some stay for lunch: Friends come and go but some stay for lunch Some people that you meet in your journey of life are there just to be witnesses and  some are t...

Happy Fathers day Papa, you will always be in my heart.

I am strong
Because you let me fall

 

I am caring
Because you gave me your hand

I am funny because you made me laugh

I am important

Because you listened

I am loved

Because you gave me your heart

I am who I am
Because you let me be me

Happy Fathers day Papa, you will always be in my heart. ( se sempre nel mio cuore) 

Happy Mothers Day Mom

I was 5 and my brother was 8 years old when we left Calabria and came to New York.  My Mom was 34 and my

Dad was 35. We lived in a small town in Calabria named Mongrassano. 

                    My Mother and Father were both born in the same town and knew each other their whole life.  In 1970

The economics in Italy were not good.  No one was paying my Dad and we had no money.  I remember my Mom

telling me they had to borrow money to pay for our Airline tickets to New York.  My Mom’s family was already in

New York, they had left Calabria in the early 60’s.  I can’t imagine what it was like for my parents to leave their

home, family, town, and their friends with two little children.  They only spoke Italian no English.  America was not

like it is today.  If you didn’t speak English it was up to you to get someone who can to translate for you. 

I wish I had the strength, focus and energy My Mother had when we were growing up. 

5am my mother would wake up make lunch for herself and my father and of course make coffee

6 am she would wake me and my brother up give us breakfast

6:30 am she would be on out the door and walking to her factory job where she sewed.

4 pm she walked back in the house clean up from the morning and get dinner started

6pm we would be finished with dinner she would then clean the dishes by hand sweep and wash the floor

7pm we would all watch wheel of fortune

                    I on the other hand

 6:30 am make coffee watch TV

7 am wake up the girls make them breakfast go back to watching TV

7:30 am run around make my kids lunch, scream and yell for everyone to get ready

8:00 run out of the house with my PJ to drive the kids to school (thank god for drop off)

8:05 procrastinate until 8:30 then

8:30 run around try to get ready for work

9:15 late again for work and I am only 2 minutes away

5 pm get home watch more TV until I figure out what I am going to cook

7 pm finish cooking ready to eat

8pm finish cleaning up

8:30  kids are in bed

9 pm I am in bed and surfing the net while I am listening to the TV in bed while my husband is sleeping

I admire My Mom I wish I can do half of what she did for me.  

She never complained, I never saw her sick if she was  we never knew.  Now as I am older and have two daughters I

can finally understand her. I have respect for who she is and what she did for our family.  Thanks to my mother I

was able to go back to work while she took care of my girls.

 I can never repay her for all she has done for me. 

Once in a while she will say you go crazy do so much with your kids I never did anything for you, and I say to her

What you did for me was enough I was happy.  I have no regrets all children want is their parents and I had them.   I

wrote this poem in 1982 for my Mom and 34 years later I am finally going to give it to her so here it is translated in

English. Happy Mother’s day to all.

 For the most Caring Mama,

Mama is a small name for you

The work that you do is much greater than you know

It's hard to always have the house clean and to go to work

With time my brother and I will be grown

When we were small we always called out your name

If we were sick we always shouted your name

And you always ran to us

I love you not only today but forever

Because you gave me life, helped me to see, to speak, and live

I know that we are not them same

It is difficult to get along all the time

I am from one generation and you are from another

And I know that at certain times I'm a Witch

Please forgive me

The word that is important is love

Mama I love you when I am at home

I Love you when I am at work

I love you where ever I am in the world

You have my heart forever.